On A Gay Thanksgiving Day, 2012

Bryan FischerThank you for mental cripples like Bryan Fischer. He gives most of us a deeper appreciation for the fact that we actually have a brain that evolved beyond the Neanderthal stage. Besides, he gave rise to the invention of a new word in the human vocabulary: “Asshat”.

Dove-tailing with Bryan Fischer, we give thanks for Allen West, now the former Florida Congressman, who thinks that our nation has been taken over by communists and queers. Oh, if that were only true! We would probably solve a lot of problems that people have been bitching about like the 1% running the world and why straight women in Obama’s cabinet dress so poorly.

Thank you for the legalization of pot in Colorado. It brings a whole new meaning to the John Denver song, “Rocky Mountain High”. Please remember to pick up a bag of potato chips when you get my pack of weed?

Thanks for former original Star Trek cast member and out gay man George Takai, who consistently keeps me smiling with his unique outlook on the totally silly side of issues in our world today, such as the fact that only inGeorge Takai Live Long and Oh My! America can we have a state like Colorado legalize marijuana while simultaneously seeing Hostess Bakery’s Twinkies go out of business. “Oh my!”

Thank you for election polls that truly don’t have the slightest idea which candidate is leading because the average American doesn’t pick up the phone when the caller ID says “Unknown Caller”, and the polling companies are owned by conservative groups who skew the polls anyway. April Fool in November! We’ve still got a black man in the White House!

Thank you for candidates Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan who tried to pull a George Bush/Dick Cheney on America and weren’t smart enough to do it, even when Romney’s kids owned the polling machines in Ohio, to manage to figure out how to properly steal an election. Dear Paul Ryan; who really is John Galt? If you find out, send him a fruit cake and a sympathy card.

Thanks for the Supreme Court of the United State that instead of being dedicated to justice and the Constitution of the United States has turned into nothing more than an outlet for political ideology and personal fund raising for the Justices. In particular Justice Alito who makes the wonderfully compelling argument of first amendment rights that every person who went through civics class prior to the Reagan administration knows only applies to a person with an actual pulse and the news media and somehow flips this around into giving huge corporations a pulse and voting rights. Don’t take this personally, Justice Alito, but whatever medication you’re on, tell them to up the dosage.

Brian of Family GuyThank you for Family Guy. At least now I know that my father and mother weren’t the only dysfunctional parents in the world and especially for revealing the evil monkey in the closet. I knew the entire time I was growing up that there was a good reason I was afraid of my closet and why I came out of it when I grew up. Yo, Brian! You the dog! Hey Stewie? Just admit it, kid! You’re gay! It’s time to come out of your diaper bin!

Thank you for Unicorn Booty. Without Kevin Farrell stealing his stories from all over the internet then who would actually know what originality meant? Hey, Kevin? Those intro lines you try to tag on the front of those boosted stories? I’ve seen kindergartners who wrote more sophisticated prose. Thanks for showing everyone on the net that all you need to make money is a website and the brazen desire to commit plagiarism until you get sued out of existence.

Thanks for satellite television and 350 channels that we still can’t find anything decent to watch.

Thank you for brain-dead rednecks and ghetto rats. They both have one thing in common: They’re proud of their ignorance and they have an awful lot to be proud of! Going into an important election and saying, “Nothing we have to say and our vote won’t make a difference”, and then watching the left-wing kick the hell out of a money-heavy right-wing after Citizens United brought a fair vote into question. Way to go, ghetto rats! Keep smoking that crystal and see if you can get your brains flow out of your ears!

Sincerely, thank you for California, Governor Jerry Brown and the voters in that state and the newly elected super-majority of Democrats to the State Legislature. For my entire 57 years of life, California has always been far ahead of the progressive curve and I believe they always will be. If you want to find the pulse of progressive America then all one needs do is look at California.

Thank you for Facebook friends. You can have 2,000 of them but still only have 10 who remember to say “Happy Birthday”.

Thanks for Facebook “Punny” pictures. I can post a news story that the LGBT community just elected the first gay President of the United States and maybe it will get a few people that will hit the “Like” button. But if you post a picture that is either cute, funny or has a pun to it and it will get shared 500,000 times.

Thank you for Twitter; the main reason for the destruction of the English language. Whose bright idea was it to condense an entire message to 140 characters? It certainly makes me want to hunt down whoever came up with the Bingo Lingoidea of turning the word, “before” into, “b4” and force them to listen to Benny Goodman records for two straight weeks until drool came out of the side of their mouth and they ran around screaming and trying to lick the fruit off wallpaper.

Thanks for teachers. They’re the most under-appreciated, over-worked people in the world. Despite the conservative mindset, you can’t put a yardstick on every young mind and expect a good teacher to stick to it and produce generations of successfully educated young people. You also can’t tell teachers their jobs aren’t worth paying them a living wage over and destroying their unions just because you want to put all children into a cookie-cutter private school system where they don’t teach science, philosophy, music or art and the children just continue to graduate but be dumber and dumber. Without philosophy, music and art there is no morality or beauty to a person’s life or appreciation of right and wrong and these children aren’t learning these values from their parents so it really is the responsibility of the teachers to pass these values on to future generations. Give our schools and teachers the budgets and the freedom to do their jobs as they should.

Thank you for music. All kinds of music that make us feel good, that makes us cry, makes us dance, makes us remember a good moment in our lives or even a bad one. Music is the heartbeat of humanity that has been with the evolution of man since the beginning. This would be a monochromatic world indeed without music.

Real BooksThanks for books. I mean real books with paper pages—not eBooks or Kindle books that can be erased with the touch of a button after reading like the destruction of the briefing tape on the Mission Impossible television show. There is permanence to leather-bound books that sit on a shelf. It cries out to the universe that humanity was here should anything ever happen to mankind and leaves a record of our existence and stories of who we were. Especially nowadays, the self-publishing craze of eBooks has filled the coffers of Amazon.com with poorly written novels and a plethora of “my pitiful life but look how well I coped with it” books that no one buys. I salute the publishing houses that are still in business and those authors who see their books in print because if you write something well enough to get published in print, then you’re definitely a quality author worth reading unless you’re writing sensationalist trash like Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh.

Thank you for reality television shows. They’re a true barometer of the falling IQ’s of humanity. Why else would anyone give a damn about the True Housewives of New Jersey and how many men they were screwing? I avoid commercial TV because I can feel my mind draining with every second that goes by. What ever happened to intelligent television comedies like NorthernNorthern Exposure Exposure? If you have to watch brain candy then at least make it stimulating brain candy!

Thank you for my wife, Kathy Collins and her two daughters and son and her mother and father. In the absence of support from my own family they have given me love and support and that has meant more to me than they could ever know.

Thanks for a life where I knew and know so many wonderful people that I’ve learned from and have done so many wonderful things in my life.

Stephanie DonaldAnd there are still so many big things left to do.

I hope everyone spends this Thanksgiving counting a few blessings and understanding that we can always be thankful, even when we’re being a bit playful about it. Life can be fun and heaven knows it can be hard but we do the best we can to make the most of what we have to work with no matter how much or how little we have to work with.

By Stephanie Donald

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