By Sister Grammy Bell—Senior Deacon of The First Baptist Church of Cornole
An LGBT-Today Exclusive
Hello? Is this dang-nab voice thingy working? Okay I see my words getting typed so I guess it works cause I can’t type worth beans!
My Minister, the Reverend Billy Graham—and fore you ask, no it ain’t the same one as that other imposter—wanted me to talk bout this homo-sexual marriage issue. Now I told him that I don’t know what he was talking bout but he said for me to look it up and I tried looking in my dear late momma’s dictionary from 1902 and all I could find was “homo” which meant “man” in some darned dead language called “Latin” and I don’t know nobody to tell me what “sexuality” means! It might have been 40 years since my husband Chester passed away but I still remember!
Poor Chester! He got done in by the Jack Daniels! Yep! He was walking home from the bar one Saturday afternoon and he got hisself runned over by a Jack Daniels delivery truck!
Now as far as this homo-sexual marriage issue is concerned…I figure that if I can’t get no sex then no one else should either! I ain’t had any since Richard Nixon was President!
Now there was one sexy man! Richard Nixon was a real good looking man! My Chester used to get liquored up and put on a rubber Nixon mask he bought, then when he got to fixing to do his manly job, he would try to sound like him and yell, “I’m your plumber and I’m gonna plug your leak!”
Now at my age, that’s all I think about and I can’t find me no man who would want to marry a good Christian woman and wear old Chester’s Nixon mask for me…
My grandson done come in here a minute ago and told me what homo-sexual really means and I’m still trying to wrap my old head around that idea! Two men both wearing Nixon masks? So what do the women wear?
I’s gonna have to try to find out more about this and get back to you before I can stop thinking bout two Nixon’s trying to fix their own plumbing!
Amen, Sweet Jesus!
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